Is Tantra Good for your Relationship?

Does Tantra really improve intimacy?

The internet is filled with a whole variety of Tantra workshops and retreats promising to improve your relationships and enhance intimacy through a variety of yogic techniques. Strangely though, the Tantras themselves (at least those that are available to us) don’t appear to show a lot of concern for intimacy and relationship building.

In fact, the Tantras emphasis on non-attachment probably indicates a general disregard for relationships altogether. This is highlighted by the foremost Tantric philosopher, Abhinavagupta, who notes that the loss of his mother in childhood was a formative moment in him becoming a Tantric guru; his reasoning was that the greatest attachment is felt between child and mother, and by losing his mother Abhinava was able to free himself from the bonds of attachment from an early age. This seems a rather callous philosophical position to adopt, so what inspired Abhinavagupta to openly state this claim?

According to the non-dualist Tantras everything in the material universe is a concealed form of divinity. Within this tradition, we were not created by a fatherly God, nor do we contain a mere spark of divinity – we are divinity in completeness. Nothing has been removed and nothing needs to be added. In my analogy on the Tantra page on this website, divinity is compared to water, and our bodies compared to cups sitting on an ocean bed. Imagine then that our cups are already full of water – we do not need any more water to complete ourselves; we are already filled and surrounded by water.

Likewise, we do not need intimacy or relationships to feel complete – we are already complete, we have everything we need within us. Indeed, if we need anything at all it is to develop an awareness of the water’s presence, to feel it and recognise it as a source of energy and bliss. And perhaps, once we have learnt to recognise it in ourselves we can develop a new sense of connectivity with others who are similarly enlightened – but this is not an attachment out of need; rather, it is a shared recognition, the acceptance of similarity and, ultimately, a connection that can be either nurtured or neglected without gain or loss of our fundamental essence – our true Self.

What does this all mean in practice? Well, if there is no separation between divinity and the human condition, then everything we experience as humans is equally divine; there are no value judgements, no good or bad, positive or negative emotions. Feelings of anger, fear and lust are just as divine as love, compassion and kindness. The problem is not the emotion, it is its expression.

If we react egocentrically then there is a tendency to direct the energy created by these emotions outwards, to express it externally and to project it onto a perceived object (perhaps another person!). However, if we remove our ego from the emotion, we can re-direct the energy it generates inwards. By internalising these powerful energies, we can awaken our Kundalini-Shakti, the coiled source of subtle energy binding us to the same subtle energy that constitutes and enlivens the entire physical universe. An awakened Kundalini allows us to experience oneness as divine bliss, and through this we come to realise that the source of pleasure, of everything we need to experience happiness and bliss, exists internally within us.

Just as importantly, we come to realise that this internal source of pleasure exists in others too. Not only do we no longer rely on the affection or attention of another to experience pleasure, but they should not rely on us. In fact, we are incapable of fulfilling their needs – unless we are able to guide them through their own Kundalini awakening. We are liberated from the bondage of obligation or expectation.

And so our focus should shift, away from seeking relationships, attachments and intimacy, and towards an awareness of the great source of energy that we possess merely by experiencing the human condition. If – through the practice of Tantra Yoga - we can remove our ego from our emotions, if we can learn to realise that our emotions are not specific or unique expressions of our own individuality, if we can meditate on their internal source and learn to harness this energy for our own awakening, then we can learn to experience a new kind of intimacy – one with ourselves, with our divinity and with the divinity of others.